A different combination of numbers

5 weeks.

5%.

I am feeling really awesome. I feel in control of my food and my choices. I really have to say that tracking everything is a lifesaver and a half! Without it I don't think I would have been able to be this far already.

I also I am really proud of myself sticking to small goals instead of overwhelming myself with the larger number.

I wanted to be in a new number range so bad and I finally did it! I am officially out of the 270s!

I haven't been this weight since the beginning of college!

I don't see a physical difference yet, but I notice a positive mental and emotional change and it's those type of qualitative NSVs that will keep me on this path of success that I am quickly carving up!

The 'F' word

Drawing by Natalie Perkins

FAT.

F.A.T.

How did a term for excess adipose tissue become a swear word?

I was called fat, to my face, by a little girl today. No big thing, because guess what? I am fat. It's a descriptive term, like someone telling me I have brown hair. Yes, and...?

I handled it like a boss. I just said, "I know. People come in all different shapes and sizes." Then walked away while her mother, who thought telling me "She says it to me all the time" was somehow relevant, tried to make her daughter apologize.

The mother seemed more upset than I did. Of course, when I walked away and started straightening up around the store, I started to become more and more bothered. It felt like my integrity or intelligence, things that hold much more importance to me than the size of my butt, had been insulted. Tears brimmed my eyes as I stared into the frame I was shifting around.

Then I became angry at myself for even beginning to feel that way.

WHY? Why was I getting upset at something a four year-old, who can barely tell the difference between carrots and orange crayons, had said?

I realized later on my drive home, it was because the word 'fat' has become a dirty word. A cruel slur to be hurled as an offense. Modern society has demonized the word in the same fashion in which they have ostracized the plus-size woman. It's gotten to a point where it feels like for anybody who is overweight it's open season to criticize and explain how they are living their lives incorrectly. Never forget Marie Claire Blog-gate 2010.

I felt upset because the little girl wasn't using the word as a descriptor, it was like she was repeating a bad word she heard one of her parents say.

There is an expansive Internet lead revolution going on right now about people, mostly women, trying to reclaim the word 'fat' and to restore it's original definition: an excess of adipose tissue. They are body size acceptance activists. In essence, size acceptance is the belief that all people, thin or fat, deserve dignity and respect. It isn't about approving of anyone's lifestyle but respecting their human rights. Most size acceptance activists encourage healthy habits, body positivity and celebrate diversity for all sizes, races and cultures.

It's far from easy to just flip the switch and wake up tomorrow perfectly happy and comfortable in my body, but it is a change I am trying to make. I'm trying to stop shaming my body and am instead trying to celebrate it. I think the healthy habits that WW teaches, eating good and filling foods and exercise, are a helpful start. I think learning how to respect my body and my relationship with food and exercise will help me open up to my own body reclamation.

To the victor goes the lattes

Photo by Janine Graf

This was not an easy week.

The combination of my strange work schedule, school starting up, celebratory dinners, being on my "lady-times" and family emergencies rendered me to eat out just about everyday this past week.

Hallelujah for tracking, that's all I got to say. Otherwise I would not be down at all this week, let alone .2 pounds.

Yes, I am going to look at .2 pounds as a huge friggin' victory! Because it is! I see this more as a "I can do this in real life" assurance rather than a numbers game. I lost when it looked hopeless.

And I have to say that at times, I almost felt hopeless. It was hard for me to track because I didn't want to hold myself accountable, I didn't want to see the numbers. But I'm glad I did. I think in the end it helped me make better choices, say no to an extra piece of bread, and ultimately helped me lose those .2 pounds that I did.

One thing that needs to change though is that I feel like I'm living at Starbucks. I'm re-addicting myself to the iced lattes. I was on a HUGE caffeine high Sunday because I got a 5 shot coffee to help me function at work in the morning. I did not need to do that. It kept me jittery and made my heart feel like it was beating faster than normal all day.

We also have this place in town called Barista's and I had a blended latte the other day... Holy moly! I haven't had one in forever and it tasted so good!

I think I need to look at my Starbucks consumption as a treat rather a go to substitute for food.

New challenge for the week, I only get a coffee if I exercise that day!

Cosmic Irony

Photo by Me

Irony is life's funny way of bitting you in the ass.

So today my father, the king of sabotage, said "Hey Megan, can you go and get me an In-N-Out burger? I have money so you can buy yourself one, too." Or something to that effect.

In-N-Out is my favorite. Hamburgers are my favorite. And free money is my favorite. Naturally there is only one way the Jack Russell Terrier-shaped food part of my brain knows how decode my father's above statement. "Hamburger! Fries! Now! Go!"

So I changed into pants that wouldn't make me look like an escaped mental patient, put on a bra, gathered my dog and jumped in the car.

Naturally there was a line at the drive-thru, so I had a moment or two to ponder what I would order and review the damage it could inflict on my days points using my iPhone WW app. (PS if you have an iPhone and DON'T use the WW app... You need to review your life choices up to this point. True story.)

Usually I go with the hamburger with lettuce and pickles only. Keeps me happy and it could only be lower in points if I got it "protein style" (no bun). But this time I was thinking about getting a cheeseburger, just to have that "animal style" combination of cheese, grilled, onions, pickles and spread. The spread like crack to me. It's just the right amount of tangy and once I start, I need cold-turkey rehab to quit. The though of that yummy spread and cheese combo settled it. Daily points be damned! I was getting a cheeseburger AND fries!

That is when I felt the sharp teeth of irony sink in.

I'm a car away from ordering when I glance up into my rearview mirror and see none other than my WW leader in the car behind me.

She was a sign, my guardian angel. I could practically see the soft, glowing halo that surround her as she picked something out of her teeth in the sun visor mirror.

When I got to the box to order, I ordered my usual. "A hamburger with lettuce and pickles only. No fries."

It was delicious and satisfying. Partially because of how proud I was of my self-control, but mostly because of the meat and bun.

I call this situation ironic, because of the amount of times I have wrestled with it before (WW leader not included) and done the opposite. The irony of fate as it were. I throw away reservation only to be greeted with the face I will have to report to when the result of my lack of inhibition is determined on Wednesday, aka weigh day.

And overall, it isn't like I couldn't get a cheeseburger and fries. I still have my extra 49 points for the week. It was just a nice reminder to see her there, someone who has succeeded, in the same situation I was in and how with the right choices I can continue be successful.

I'm curious how she'll react when I tell her on Wednesday.

23 Things: Parallel parking

So I parallel parked in one try for the first time the other night! Parallel parking is the bane of my existence. I didn't think I could do it. Times before when I had tried, it had often taken upwards of 3 tries and usually ended with me close to or in tears, or me speeding off to look for a different space embarrassed that I couldn't park my little car in the previous opening. Now the only place I've really had to parallel park before is in San Francisco, mainly because that is the only type of parking there. I hate driving in San Francisco and I hate parking in San Francisco even more. But I accomplished my parallel parking feat in Santa Monica. My sister and I were circling around looking for a parking space in this little shopping area when I look and see an open spot between two cars up on the street. So I remember what my dad taught me... I approached the spot, pulled up alongside the car before in front of the opening, then put my car in reverse and turned the wheel as soon as I passed the trunk of my guide car and it was like magic. I just fit perfectly in the space. One try, and I nailed it. I didn't have to adjust a thing. I was the perfect distance from the curb and the cars on either side. I was really proud of myself! So I added to the list because I needed some more stuff to fill it out and because it is something new that I accomplished. The more stuff I complete, the better.

Also on Easter Sunday, we went out to eat with my Grandparents around 3pm, because that is when old people eat. It was the one day of the week that it was raining. It was also had to be the one time our car battery died and anyone who could come and help us was dependent on that particular ride. It sucked. I called all three roadside assistance services that my Grandma had and we had to wait for 45 minutes for someone to show up and give us a jump. It made me realize that I would have no idea what to do or how to jump my car if it were to die for some reason, so that is why I added "Learn how to jump start a car" to my list so I know what to do in case of an emergency.

23 Things: Comedy show

I am crossing things off of my list left and right! I guess that's a good thing. So this past Monday my friend Tristen and myself went to a comedy show, my first! The comedian we went to see is actually a political commenter and radio host named, Karel. I've been listening to him on the radio for about a month or two and was interested to see his live show. So at the last minute I purchased two tickets and we hopped on the BART train and it dropped us off about two blocks from the hotel where the show was.

I was expecting a sort of indie, underground type of club sitting in a small hotel. That wasn't at all what The Rrazz Room in Hotel Nikko was. It was plush, rich, had a Starbucks inside, and was filled with business people over the age of 40. We were most definitely the youngest people there by an average of 15 years. We first checked in and then were seated on the left side of the room in an booth seat in the upper corner with a tiny round table in front of us. It was kind of nice because no one could block our view of the stage. The waitress then came around and told us there was a two drink minimum. I went sober route and just got Diet Coke, because nothing else really sounded good and it was cheaper at $4 a glass than a $12 martini that has a much higher chance of tasting watered down and poorly mixed. Plus Diet Coke = 0 calories!

The show started around 8pm and was hilarious! He covered a range of topics from Bravo! TV programing, health care, pot legalization, Republicans, gays and technology. There were a few times I almost couldn't come up for air I was laughing so hard. Tristen seemed to enjoy herself too. I'm glad she did because she doesn't listen to Karel on the radio the way I do so I am glad she enjoyed the show. We were the youngest there, although 15 minutes into Karel's act, a boy came and sat down next to me. He had to be in his early to mid twenties and was cute, alone and at a liberal comedy show. Right up my alley. I wish I had a bit more confidence because I should have said something to him.

The show was only supposed to be 90 minutes but it lasted until a bit after 10pm and ended with Karel leading a group sing-a-long with legalize pot song he wrote to the theme of The Beatles' Come Together. After the show we went back to BART and went home. It was a great first comedy show experience and I would love to start going to more. It's really fun to go some place knowing you are going there to just to laugh and smile the whole time.

23 Things: Clubbing

Sorry for the super crappy iPhone picture. I meant to take pictures earlier in the evening but time just got away from us. So last Friday me and Tristen went up to Sacramento to join some friends to go clubbing. This was my first time ever going to a club and the picture I had painted in my head about clubs and how they operate, was that of a stereotypical Hollywood movie where there are long lines and the bouncer only lets the pretty skinny girls in. Well there was a long line and I learned you can buy your way up in line, but other than the appearance, it felt like a completely different place.

The club was called UltraLounge and it was right next to the capitol building in Sacramento. One of the first things I noticed was how gorgeous the club was. It was swank and fancy. The outside patio had a huge fire pit and these covered lounge areas. The dance floor was crowded and the DJ was really good. It was this little blonde girl who, if you were to pass on the street, you would never guess she could spin. Another thing I noticed was the average age of everyone there had to be in the late twenties. There were some old people there.

We mostly just danced together as a group off to the side of the floor, then everyone with the exception of myself would want to retreat to the patio for drinks and a cigarette. I would just sip off of their drinks and talk with them until we were already to go and dance some more. I think it was the fact that we were in a group and we all stuck together, that made the time really fun!

I think that was the thing I was afraid of most, too. That I would be ditched or feel left out because I didn't fit in. I would have never gone to a club or a bar a year or two ago but I just keep thinking how I can't put my life on hold until all the circumstances are perfect, because they'll never be perfect! That is why I am really glad I have this 23 new things under 23 list. I hope that it nudge me out of my comfort zone and force me to do somethings I normally wouldn't.

23 new things before 23

Photo by Carolina Worrell

Happy Valentine's Day!

Normally I hate Valentine's Day, but I have decided to turn it into a good day full of love and motivation. So I have been reading the blog Yes and Yes for a few months now, and I find all of Sarah's posts so inspiring and positive. In fact she inspired me to follow in her footsteps and create a list of 23 new things I want to accomplish before I turn 23. She had originally implemented this challenge for herself last year before she turned 30 and is also doing it this year before she turns 31. She has done things such as attend a zombie pub crawl, get a brazilian,  and make sweet corn ice cream. I've slowly been developing my list since early February and isn't quite complete yet but I plan on adding to it as more ideas pop in my head. Meanwhile this is what I have so far:

1. Go to a bar/club
2. Find The Crème Brûlée Cart
3. Get a bikini wax
4. Visit another state
5. Donate blood
6. Go go-kart racing
7. Go to a comedy show
8. Go to a movie alone
9. Visit Yoesmite