A different combination of numbers

5 weeks.

5%.

I am feeling really awesome. I feel in control of my food and my choices. I really have to say that tracking everything is a lifesaver and a half! Without it I don't think I would have been able to be this far already.

I also I am really proud of myself sticking to small goals instead of overwhelming myself with the larger number.

I wanted to be in a new number range so bad and I finally did it! I am officially out of the 270s!

I haven't been this weight since the beginning of college!

I don't see a physical difference yet, but I notice a positive mental and emotional change and it's those type of qualitative NSVs that will keep me on this path of success that I am quickly carving up!

The 'F' word

Drawing by Natalie Perkins

FAT.

F.A.T.

How did a term for excess adipose tissue become a swear word?

I was called fat, to my face, by a little girl today. No big thing, because guess what? I am fat. It's a descriptive term, like someone telling me I have brown hair. Yes, and...?

I handled it like a boss. I just said, "I know. People come in all different shapes and sizes." Then walked away while her mother, who thought telling me "She says it to me all the time" was somehow relevant, tried to make her daughter apologize.

The mother seemed more upset than I did. Of course, when I walked away and started straightening up around the store, I started to become more and more bothered. It felt like my integrity or intelligence, things that hold much more importance to me than the size of my butt, had been insulted. Tears brimmed my eyes as I stared into the frame I was shifting around.

Then I became angry at myself for even beginning to feel that way.

WHY? Why was I getting upset at something a four year-old, who can barely tell the difference between carrots and orange crayons, had said?

I realized later on my drive home, it was because the word 'fat' has become a dirty word. A cruel slur to be hurled as an offense. Modern society has demonized the word in the same fashion in which they have ostracized the plus-size woman. It's gotten to a point where it feels like for anybody who is overweight it's open season to criticize and explain how they are living their lives incorrectly. Never forget Marie Claire Blog-gate 2010.

I felt upset because the little girl wasn't using the word as a descriptor, it was like she was repeating a bad word she heard one of her parents say.

There is an expansive Internet lead revolution going on right now about people, mostly women, trying to reclaim the word 'fat' and to restore it's original definition: an excess of adipose tissue. They are body size acceptance activists. In essence, size acceptance is the belief that all people, thin or fat, deserve dignity and respect. It isn't about approving of anyone's lifestyle but respecting their human rights. Most size acceptance activists encourage healthy habits, body positivity and celebrate diversity for all sizes, races and cultures.

It's far from easy to just flip the switch and wake up tomorrow perfectly happy and comfortable in my body, but it is a change I am trying to make. I'm trying to stop shaming my body and am instead trying to celebrate it. I think the healthy habits that WW teaches, eating good and filling foods and exercise, are a helpful start. I think learning how to respect my body and my relationship with food and exercise will help me open up to my own body reclamation.

To the victor goes the lattes

Photo by Janine Graf

This was not an easy week.

The combination of my strange work schedule, school starting up, celebratory dinners, being on my "lady-times" and family emergencies rendered me to eat out just about everyday this past week.

Hallelujah for tracking, that's all I got to say. Otherwise I would not be down at all this week, let alone .2 pounds.

Yes, I am going to look at .2 pounds as a huge friggin' victory! Because it is! I see this more as a "I can do this in real life" assurance rather than a numbers game. I lost when it looked hopeless.

And I have to say that at times, I almost felt hopeless. It was hard for me to track because I didn't want to hold myself accountable, I didn't want to see the numbers. But I'm glad I did. I think in the end it helped me make better choices, say no to an extra piece of bread, and ultimately helped me lose those .2 pounds that I did.

One thing that needs to change though is that I feel like I'm living at Starbucks. I'm re-addicting myself to the iced lattes. I was on a HUGE caffeine high Sunday because I got a 5 shot coffee to help me function at work in the morning. I did not need to do that. It kept me jittery and made my heart feel like it was beating faster than normal all day.

We also have this place in town called Barista's and I had a blended latte the other day... Holy moly! I haven't had one in forever and it tasted so good!

I think I need to look at my Starbucks consumption as a treat rather a go to substitute for food.

New challenge for the week, I only get a coffee if I exercise that day!

Cosmic Irony

Photo by Me

Irony is life's funny way of bitting you in the ass.

So today my father, the king of sabotage, said "Hey Megan, can you go and get me an In-N-Out burger? I have money so you can buy yourself one, too." Or something to that effect.

In-N-Out is my favorite. Hamburgers are my favorite. And free money is my favorite. Naturally there is only one way the Jack Russell Terrier-shaped food part of my brain knows how decode my father's above statement. "Hamburger! Fries! Now! Go!"

So I changed into pants that wouldn't make me look like an escaped mental patient, put on a bra, gathered my dog and jumped in the car.

Naturally there was a line at the drive-thru, so I had a moment or two to ponder what I would order and review the damage it could inflict on my days points using my iPhone WW app. (PS if you have an iPhone and DON'T use the WW app... You need to review your life choices up to this point. True story.)

Usually I go with the hamburger with lettuce and pickles only. Keeps me happy and it could only be lower in points if I got it "protein style" (no bun). But this time I was thinking about getting a cheeseburger, just to have that "animal style" combination of cheese, grilled, onions, pickles and spread. The spread like crack to me. It's just the right amount of tangy and once I start, I need cold-turkey rehab to quit. The though of that yummy spread and cheese combo settled it. Daily points be damned! I was getting a cheeseburger AND fries!

That is when I felt the sharp teeth of irony sink in.

I'm a car away from ordering when I glance up into my rearview mirror and see none other than my WW leader in the car behind me.

She was a sign, my guardian angel. I could practically see the soft, glowing halo that surround her as she picked something out of her teeth in the sun visor mirror.

When I got to the box to order, I ordered my usual. "A hamburger with lettuce and pickles only. No fries."

It was delicious and satisfying. Partially because of how proud I was of my self-control, but mostly because of the meat and bun.

I call this situation ironic, because of the amount of times I have wrestled with it before (WW leader not included) and done the opposite. The irony of fate as it were. I throw away reservation only to be greeted with the face I will have to report to when the result of my lack of inhibition is determined on Wednesday, aka weigh day.

And overall, it isn't like I couldn't get a cheeseburger and fries. I still have my extra 49 points for the week. It was just a nice reminder to see her there, someone who has succeeded, in the same situation I was in and how with the right choices I can continue be successful.

I'm curious how she'll react when I tell her on Wednesday.